User blog:FanCy/my story
So basically I just feel like a lot of people don't really understand me and I love you all so I will give you an opportunity. Also since people worry about me, I'd love to say I'm okay now but I genuinely don't know what imma do. I guess this could be triggering. I don't believe that I've ever lived a happy life, tbqh... This is also personal I guess but I don't care. The first 11 years of my life, I lived in a shitty town of Rockland, Massachusetts. I don't live there anymore, but not far away tho. But point is, it's a really shitty place. I mean the apartment conplex we lived in for 10 years was crap. There was constant cops coming into the complex late at night. But, I had friends. My best friend, probably the last real good friend I've had IRL- his name was PJ, or Paul. We spent every second possible together. We had a bump in the road though, he stole one of my MLP plushies one time, but we got over that. But we were damn near inseparable until I was 10. When I was 10, we got kicked out of the apartment complex for being too poor. We moved to another apartment on the other side of town. And this town... there's 3 elementary schools and I was inbetween 4 and 5th grade when we moved. The complex though, was basically just down the main street, so about a 15-20 min bike ride, or so. I used to ride down every day until it got hard it winter. You could really say that this move is what set on my anxiety and depression. I didn't fit in at this new place at all. Back there, before I moved, I was an outcast but I had some friends, at least. Now I had no friends... a total outcast in every sense. People were constantly making fun of me. At both communities, I was probably most made fun of for my looks and weight. People would say stuff like it looks like I'm expecting triples. And they were all the same age as me basically. I actually did have friends and this really scars me to this day. I was sad, but I never considered something like self harm. But the people I did get to know... they would constantly glorify their cutting and what they'd use. It really got to me. I shake bringing it up because it's not something I talk of. But after one year at that new school...there's only one middle school so I got to see my real friends again. I was happy again. But it was only a few months before I moved again...to ARIZONA. 3000 miles. Half way across the damn country. Throughout my time in AZ- 3 years. I had friends. They really though. .. we got along great but I think they didn't love me as much as I loved them. Like i was just an accessory because they feel bad for me, being such an outcast. I also had a girlfriend , off and on a few years... we probably would still be together if I didn't move back. But she cheated on me several times (also never told anyone this) But I am too vulnerable to it and never did anything about it. Ultimately, I can't really committ enough in a relationship anymore because I have trust issues and it makes me just wanna be alone. I was bulliedv there too and harrassed, but not as much as in MA before. And by the way, through these 14-15 years. The environment may have been horrible in general. But I've always have had a horrible family life. My older sister, who has diabetes and BPD, constantly abused me on a daily basis. She would do it for no reason...because I walk in the hallway when she's trying to get by, because she d oesnt like how I look, because I'm ugly, because I look at her the wrong way. I have a scar on my eyelid because she whipped me with a jacket(7th grade). I have a scar on my elbow because she pushed me down on the cement before and it gushed(4th grade)...ppl still say, actually i heard this last week"theres something on your elbow". It was basically daily. We used to share a family computer and she'd go on my screen and make fun of my videos and stuff (i used to make fanvideos). She had friends in Arizona though. Others in the neighborhood that had diabetes. 2 i met were nice and would get upset ar her being mean to me. But the other, prollt who she was most close to(for this reason) made fun of me a lot. I was scared to come out of my room. When she wasnt there, id just get made fun of when she's in a bad mood every few days, but when she was here..which was a lot.. they'd take so much joy of makin fun of me, would follow me around and harrass. My parents knew of the abuse the whole time. Countless times had they seen my bruises. But they didn't do anything.,really. Now I'm sure plenty can pick up on the fact that I hate my dad - with a passion. The main thing to me is... he's abusive. I remember this night well. On a friday night, my dad came home after blowing his and my moms checks on a casino(paychecks at AZ were biweekly too..so yah...) and they were fighting and all... and my dad ended up throwing glass at her and beating her up. He broke and/or took the phones with him and drove off, so she couldn't call and yeah. But he was arrested. She wanted a divorce but he was let out the next day, because we have no family in AZ, all live in Hawaii or MA. So he's still here bc we're too poor. He also constantly beat up my sister for calling my mom a bitch a lot. His diabetic daughter w. borderline personality disorder, he bear her up for calling her mom a bitch. ..not only her though. Its actually a common threat in this household since I was young -- to fear my dads fists. Now everyone knows my dream is to be a lawyer. But... my family brings me down a lot.they say i can never do it bc i can't look anyone in the eye. Bc i never talk. Bc I'm afraid of people. Im too stupid, no law school will ever want me with my grades. Im not desirable at all. I suffer w clinical depression and social anxiety disorder. . I have been for longer than I remember. And I've struggled with both bulimia and anorexia my freshman and sophomore year, and I've been relapsing on starving myself recently...i feel like crap all the time. And I'm tired of typinf so I'm getting brief here... the more I think about it, you know what ? They couldn't be more right. Im unqualified in every damn sense of the word. Im never going to be good enough for the field or even a higher education at any sense. My guidance counselor met me the other week, just to tell me I'm not smart or good enough for a for yr, And when that's the case its at. Why go on anymore. I drempt about killing myself last night.(thats why i erased my page) And I've had a lot of thoughts lately, i can't find a reason to tell myself not to. Category:Blog posts